![]() ![]() Like most people, if you identify with your stream of thoughts, it makes you think the second zinger is your only choice. Pulling it off is as difficult as resisting the urge to scratch an itch. This habit gives you a sense of well-being and improves your attitude, job satisfaction and career effectiveness. In other words, you’re able to be present with your internal reactions without reacting to them. This distinction is good medicine for sustaining a habit of effectiveness because it softens your reactions and keeps you calm, cool and collected. As you develop the skill to see them as separate, you realize you don’t have to react every time you get zinged. The key to self-regulation is to stop and consider the difference between the first and second zinger. Self-Regulation is the ability to stay calm in the middle of a distressing situation. It’s the self-judgment that distresses you there is no first zinger. If you stop to think about it, the tension (second zinger) comes from an inner judgment (another second zinger) predicting you’ll mess up. Suppose before you begin a presentation to colleagues you have a sinking feeling that it will go south. In these situations, your self-judgment creates stress by imagining there’s a first zinger. Perhaps you have a second-zinger reaction where there’s no first zinger to begin with. Your judgment of the situation brings up memories of abandonment as a child (another second zinger). Maybe a colleague is late for a lunch meeting (first zinger), and you feel your blood boil (second zinger). After the first zinger of pain, comes the second zinger of judgment: “Ouch! I’m such a klutz!” Sometimes second zingers trigger more second zingers through association. Suppose you bang your head on an overhead office cabinet door. When you remove the second layer of condemnation, you feel an ease in dealing with the real stressors. The bad feelings throw you into a cycle of seeking comfort in the very behavior you’re trying to conquer. Self-judgment also can throw you into a cycle of setbacks: “I ate a piece of carrot cake” spirals into, “I’ve already blown my diet, so I might as well eat a second piece” which turns into, “I’m such a loser I’ll never get this weight off.” The second zinger (the stress you put yourself under) makes you feel bad, not eating the cake. Instead of pushing away your reaction, ignoring it or steamrolling over it, the key is to acknowledge it with something like, "Hello frustration, I see you're active today." The simple recognition relaxes your second zinger so you can face the real problem-the first zinger-with more calm, clarity and ease. Think of it much as you might observe a blemish on your hand then get curious about where it came from. But if you can hold your reaction at arm's length and observe it with curiosity from a bird's eye view, the intensity of your stress subsides and keeps you from making matters worse. When you fail at something, make a mistake or have a setback, your worry, frustration or anger create a second layer of stress, and you're more likely to explode or give up. If you can avoid reacting when uncontrollable events zing you, you can reduce your stress and improve your effectiveness and well-being. The first zinger is unpleasant for sure, but sometimes the real distress comes from your second-zinger reaction instead of the event itself. You understandably react by flipping your lid (the second zinger), which adds insult to injury, making you say or do something you might later regret. Suppose your boss takes credit for your idea (the first zinger). If you're like most people, when an unpleasant situation (first zinger) upsets you, you react without giving it a second thought. Your reaction to work pressures and frustrations are “second zingers”-the ones you sting yourself with. Have you found that the more you scratch a spot that itches, the more it itches? And the scratching just makes it worse? Maybe you can’t do anything about the itch, but you can do something about the scratch. ![]()
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